Friends, family, and fuck buddies-working with comfortzones and boundaries in the community

The last two weeks I've learned a lot about comfort zones...

Sometimes a comfort zone is important; sometimes i don't give a fuck if you're comfortable... but within the last two months it was more or less learning when people are really full of shit or when they have a legitimate problem that they could be personally in danger...

so here's some examples:

Social comfort zones (anxiety and paranoia based/ enforces comfort zones)

The Queer student center had an open house in which we ordered in some bitch ass Indian food! and watched Queer as Folk on DVD. food, basically borderline soft core porn...all we need is beer and and a couple half naked twinkie bitches and i am at home. but where ever you go there will always be the whiner bitches...yes, the bitches who are universally loathed by all because their comfort zones will be challenged, and rather than suck it up and take it, they whine and threaten to sue just enough to make a good thing a loathed thing...one bad apple?!?!

any who, this dude walks in and starts with "I'm not comfortable watching this in front of you all, lets watch something else!!!"- usually people ignore this dude til he gets so uncomfortable that he leaves, but this time his arrogant discomfort (yes you read this correctly) was enough to have everyone else throw cold, curry-soaked naans at his head and a near universal moborcrasy.

another case was at a summer camp i help to plan and run, basically until last year no one really cared about clothing in public. the camp was clothing optional and no one cared. until yet another one of those whiny bitches shows up and all hell breaks loose.
now we are fighting over simple things like weather to allow people to be nude or not, frankly we are all adults, and a simple disclaimer written somewhere can easily take care of the issue, but now we are dealing with forces of adultisms and power trips that bring the whiny bitch platforms to the fore front.

then we have people who add paranoia to the already strongly disliked whiny bitch platform, basically victimizing them selves to make others listen to their problems. hence rather than dealing (getting real and severely needed psychological help) they blow the problem out of purportion until the alleged antagonizer is dismissed from the post. (in this case it was unfairly done, and a HUGE blow to the program because this person could have been a contributor)

Defining factors-
-person is unwilling to deal with majority decisions made by the group at large. for this reason they will always find something to pull the structure that is unfavourable down with them.
-they often confuse real danger with paranoia and t because of that their reasoning will be compromised
-a paranoid person will sometimes accuse others of paranoia...
-and they may try to take action against their aggressors (a wise leader will spot and remove these people)

in any case, how to deal with these people? DON'T! unless they make a stab at you, don't get involved! it is too much dealing with them and their craziness otherwise so leave them alone, they will get what's coming to them.



Personal comfort zones:

More or less sexual comfort zones: pertaining to meeting with a person for a sexual encounter.
IF A PERSON IS NOT COMFORTABLE WITH A SEXUAL SITUATION IT IS ALWAYS AN ISSUE!

Sex is intimate, and before making an encounter with a stranger, the person must ascertain if the stranger is really safe and sane.

example:

Ricky has been chatting with a guy he met on a gay mutual interest fetish site, the guy initially messaged Ricky about a post he made on a forum on bondage. they guy messaged Ricky and they started chatting, but soon their chats became mostly about sex and eventually morphed into cybersex. the guy tells Ricky that he lives a few towns over, and wants Ricky to meet up. he starts insisting on dates to meet. Ricky is a full time college student and the guy is apparently unemployed. the guy asks Ricky about dates and when Ricky responds that he has classes the man tells him to skip them... Ricky is uncomfortable with the notion but gives in to it and agrees to meet on the Wednesday of that week, they part ways for the night, but soon things start to happen. the guy begins messaging Ricky asking him if will becoming on Wednesday, this went from once daily to once an hour, and then text messages.
Ricky feels creeped out, but ignores it. on Tuesday, Ricky's professor tells them of an exam on Thursday. after class Ricky messages the guy and explains that he needs to cancel, the guy loses it and becomes enraged.
Ricky seriously considers now if this man is playing with a full deck of cards, and logs off. 2 hours later he messages Ricky and starts the process all over again, not apologizing for his behavior and acting as if nothing happened? when questioned about this sudden change in mood the man seems to be shocked and not remember his behavior
Ricky, decides he wants to meet the man, partially because of loneliness, and also to see if this man is really crazy...
Ricky makes a date then asks the guy for his address and if he would like to meet somewhere public for coffee before they meet. the guy gives him the address but refuses to meet in public.
now Ricky strongly believes tome thing isn't right. what is to be done?
after thinking about it, Ricky is now worried for his life, and his comfort zone has been breached.
he blocks the man from his phone, Internet and other contact modes.
three days later as Ricky was stunned to see the same guy was arrested for murdering another man and mutilating the body. the news programme went on to say that he lured his victims to his house buy posting ads online, and lured men and boys to his house, raped them, and murdered them for some psychotic gratification...

Ricky's comfort zone was part acquired, he took a kink 101 class at an event his school' gay straight alliance held.

His teacher laid out a five step plan for meeting people online
1) establish primary negotiations (your limits)
2) get a full face picture, name, address and telephone number leave this with a call buddy
3) arrange for the exact date, time, and amount of time your encounter should take, anything over that time and a call buddy will call the police!
4) the day of, meet in a well lit and populated PUBLIC place with the person before you go back to their place, this will allow you to decide if the person is safe
5) follow your gut, if you ain't comfortable, GET OUT OF THERE!

Ricky followed his gut, his clues were:
-the guys temper issues (possible bipolar0
-the refusal to meet in a public place (less witnesses to see him that night)
-his complete disregard for Ricky's boundaries

Ricky had the right idea to not meet with this guy, his conscience told him that this guy was trouble and he was right not to let his personal loneliness get in the way of his safety.

the similarity to these two types of boundaries lie in the ideology of justification.
Both scenarios had much to do with the persons personal safety. and both should always be taken with a grain of salt, because it is really up to you to determine (case by case) weather the situation is worth more extreme measures or if the person is full of bullshit.
i learned to judge the book with a pinch of salt and not to dismiss boundary issues because if you do it can end up too late...

recollections

having flashbacks to your childhood is never fun, i was recently on youtube where my former church has put up vids of their Pathfinder Club.
for you non- adventists the pathfinder club is an organization mirroring boy/girl scouts with a strict and clear religious message. pathfinders are taught dicipline, personal care, arts and crafts, religion, community involvement, and social skills. it is for children 10-16, and is pretty much unparalleled. catholics have CCD, but the Seventh-Day Adventist pathfinders take it to a whole new level.

The truth is, I loved Pathfinders. Like soccer parents, my family was entrenched in it. My Uncle and Aunt (a husband and wife team) were both club directors, my mother and aunt were club directors and counselors. and everyone was trained as a Master Guide (the equivalent of an Eagle Scout) but for my brother and i it turned from heaven to hell.
I was teased horribly, people made fun of me for my weight, and the fact i was gay. they practically slaughtered my brother because he was antisocial.

I remember one of the dividing facts that cemented my leaving the church, was the fact that the club was highly unfair in the area of Gender, which made playing to my strengths difficult. for the longest time te only activities available at camps were as follows:

Arts and crafts
basketball
volleyball
pinewood derby
fancy drill and drum corps

foe boys, the only competition available were basketball and drumcorps. I HATE basketball, so being a musician i decided to try drum corps. peoples didnt want me on drums, and made it difficult for me to join. finally they kicked me off. not content, i stopped going to club meetings, and found mself leaving the church.

i was a scared youth who came from an ultra religious family, and now i am both gay and i cant attend church. looking for answers led me to SDA Kinship http://www.sdakinship.net/sdakinship/
it was the only genuine safe space, for one, because the devils were in the walls. sites i thought were gay friendly were actually run as guilt trips for possibly self destructive people.
the sad thing is, i miss the comraderie offered by church, but i cant see myself going to church ever again as a gay man.