Friday, May 6, 2011
The Rainbow Times | The Freshest LGBT News in New England
I was asked by my doctor to speak at the Fenway Men's Event 2011.
It was really scary, but i am still getting emails from people who want me to take part in projects and so on.
plus i was the only Person of Colour in a kilt!
http://www.therainbowtimesmass.com/2011/12/15/men%E2%80%99s-event-raises-half-a-million-for-fenway/
Gay BBQing and powertripping
So, what's the biggest buzz kill at a queer barbecue... nope. not a missionary, for me its a health inspector.
My school had our year-end barbecue, and while rain and wind persisted, the one biggest annoyance, other than having to pick up and cook 90% of the food single-handedly (these gays were so flaky, it makes puff pastry look bad!), was dealing with the girlfriend/ health inspector that turned innocent-well controlled fun into a nightmare.
I mean, i do have everything under control when it came to food. our designated driver literally just dropped of everything and i was waiting for people to come back from putting things away, when the food inspector/ girlfriend and my friend come out of nowhere and suddenly go on a tirade about how leaving out food (like raw brats that i was ready to grill then cook in broth so they would be ready in time) and telling me to put it away.
Why did I listen-
1) Food Safety is NO joke-no arguements there
2) I was afraid if i didnt comply she would tell people that the food was no good and pull crap like that...and she probably would. and then who would eat the food?
i was planning on starting at 1:30 as it would take an hour for the sausages to simmer and poach so they would be fully cooked by the time the event began. however, she complained that i should put out the BBQ and start everything again at 3 when the event would begin...
BEGIN RANT:
Anyone who is even a half decent host knows that food that takes longer should be begun earlier so that guests aren't waiting.
what ends up happening is having a bunch of starving, drooling people waiting for the meat to be finished because she cant let me do my damn job and has to raise a big stink about the whole thing. The issue isn't Barbecue, its power trips in the Queer Community.
Gay Power trips are something that is a part of my life, between volunteering with youth organizations and Queer Programs where they breed and inbreed. To universities where the people on the power trips run the show.
the only defense against a power trip is respect and rapport; having the respect and admiration of your colleagues and peers. The difference is that people on power trips will use fear, intimidation, coercion, blackmail...and the nasty little dirty tactics. while effective, once your reign of terror is over, you are already discredited by your peers.
I know this all to well where with one of my youth groups is under the dictatorship of a tyrannical co-chair. she uses every card in the deck. it is true that women in the African-American community and the People of Colour communities around the world face discrimination. it is not a reason or justification for using the race card for everything.
Example: Following an event, in which the youth involved were working all day. following the event a few of the exhausted volunteers are enjoying an innocent smoke break before heading in to clean up the hall.
Out comes co-chair yelling at them to clean up. they tell her they will be in momentarily. 2 minutes later she comes back and starts yelling at them. One man calmly answers that they will be in in soon and tells her to "chill".
less than 30 seconds later, she and a director appear. the director whispers into the young man's ear "you are a white male, she is a black female, she is YOUR superior in that sense. just do what she says."
I'm 1/2 African, 1/2 Asian. In my 5+ years with this organization i have never used the race card. and have even abhorred its use. because the staff of this organization are all white, there is a level of fear of being sued.
Mind you, the same person told a few trans members that they "aren't trans enough" to run the organization's transgender outreach program. Now how does a Biologically female and female identified (and when asked on the subject, she indicated she does not identify with the trans community) decide who gets to identify as what.
Really? i thought as a community we could be better than the hetero-normalist community and show what a real democracy is like. This isn't human nature, it cultured savagery!
No one likes a dirty politician. so why should GLBT people deal with it in our community! it cliché but true, A people united can never be defeated.
My school had our year-end barbecue, and while rain and wind persisted, the one biggest annoyance, other than having to pick up and cook 90% of the food single-handedly (these gays were so flaky, it makes puff pastry look bad!), was dealing with the girlfriend/ health inspector that turned innocent-well controlled fun into a nightmare.
I mean, i do have everything under control when it came to food. our designated driver literally just dropped of everything and i was waiting for people to come back from putting things away, when the food inspector/ girlfriend and my friend come out of nowhere and suddenly go on a tirade about how leaving out food (like raw brats that i was ready to grill then cook in broth so they would be ready in time) and telling me to put it away.
Why did I listen-
1) Food Safety is NO joke-no arguements there
2) I was afraid if i didnt comply she would tell people that the food was no good and pull crap like that...and she probably would. and then who would eat the food?
i was planning on starting at 1:30 as it would take an hour for the sausages to simmer and poach so they would be fully cooked by the time the event began. however, she complained that i should put out the BBQ and start everything again at 3 when the event would begin...
BEGIN RANT:
Anyone who is even a half decent host knows that food that takes longer should be begun earlier so that guests aren't waiting.
what ends up happening is having a bunch of starving, drooling people waiting for the meat to be finished because she cant let me do my damn job and has to raise a big stink about the whole thing. The issue isn't Barbecue, its power trips in the Queer Community.
Gay Power trips are something that is a part of my life, between volunteering with youth organizations and Queer Programs where they breed and inbreed. To universities where the people on the power trips run the show.
the only defense against a power trip is respect and rapport; having the respect and admiration of your colleagues and peers. The difference is that people on power trips will use fear, intimidation, coercion, blackmail...and the nasty little dirty tactics. while effective, once your reign of terror is over, you are already discredited by your peers.
I know this all to well where with one of my youth groups is under the dictatorship of a tyrannical co-chair. she uses every card in the deck. it is true that women in the African-American community and the People of Colour communities around the world face discrimination. it is not a reason or justification for using the race card for everything.
Example: Following an event, in which the youth involved were working all day. following the event a few of the exhausted volunteers are enjoying an innocent smoke break before heading in to clean up the hall.
Out comes co-chair yelling at them to clean up. they tell her they will be in momentarily. 2 minutes later she comes back and starts yelling at them. One man calmly answers that they will be in in soon and tells her to "chill".
less than 30 seconds later, she and a director appear. the director whispers into the young man's ear "you are a white male, she is a black female, she is YOUR superior in that sense. just do what she says."
I'm 1/2 African, 1/2 Asian. In my 5+ years with this organization i have never used the race card. and have even abhorred its use. because the staff of this organization are all white, there is a level of fear of being sued.
Mind you, the same person told a few trans members that they "aren't trans enough" to run the organization's transgender outreach program. Now how does a Biologically female and female identified (and when asked on the subject, she indicated she does not identify with the trans community) decide who gets to identify as what.
Really? i thought as a community we could be better than the hetero-normalist community and show what a real democracy is like. This isn't human nature, it cultured savagery!
No one likes a dirty politician. so why should GLBT people deal with it in our community! it cliché but true, A people united can never be defeated.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
READ ME-THE TRUTH ABOUT ANTI-GAY BULLYING!!!
My good friend Rodney Moore is a politically aware Guru, who wrote this article, if you are a Bullying victim or survivor, you will probably relate to this, and sympathize with him!
it reads...
it reads...
I have been watching on a daily basis these "It gets better" videos. I watched Joel Burns, the City Councilman from Ft Worth give his, live from the Council Chamber, I also saw the President's. I cannot describe the myriad of emotions which I felt, but I did have this unbelievable urge to scream "It doesn't just get better, you've got to make it better". As someone who had to deal with bullying, often violent, from peers, religious folks, even family members because I am gay. I can say that life has gotten better, but it didn't do it on it's own. In fact, in many cases for many people who are in my shoes, life doesn't get better. I had to endure bullying so bad that I had to quit High School in the 11th grade. There were times, I felt so scared, I would steal my mom's 38 Special and carry it with me to school, just in case I was jumped. With that same 38 Special, with hollow tipped bullets, I would sit in my room, after school and contemplate blowing my head off. I had NOONE to turn to, no safe spaces, no gay friendly adults. There was one time, when a female PE coach, whose name I cannot remember let me know she knew what was up and tried to be as much help as she could be. I was also religious, I was Pentecostal back then, attending one of those holiness churches which thinks anything "bad" such as smoking, alcoholism or homosexuality was a demon possesion requiring excorcism. To top all this torture off, I was a stress eater and a fat kid, with the self esteem of a cockroach. My grades suffered, my weight balooned, my mental health suffered and all this doesn't just go away. I was however a smart kid, always underachieving, I taught myself at 15 German, French, Portuguese and Afrikaans. At 16, when my mom bought me my first car, I got a job at a Pizza Hut in my home town. I eventually came out to certain friends such as Kris, Dave, Crystal, Patrick, a lesbian couple Bonnie & Leigh, Rene, Doug and others. Patrick, who was my manager, had a psychologist for a sister and he was highly supportive. Around 17, I was able to tell my mom. I had quit school twice, both times in the 11th grade. I quit one school, because of the harassment, and then transfered to another. But the harassment followed. I told my mom what happened and she blamed herself, but overtime she has grown to be a model PFLAG parent without a PFLAG to join. As I went to the second school, the harassment was much more violent, much more severe. I was ganged up on once and 3 times I received death threats left on my truck. This is when I started carrying a gun to school to feel safe. Eventually, after speaking to a family friend and attorney, who had served in the FBI. He encouraged me to get my GED, go to college and use my language skills for the FBI or the Military. In fact, his letter of recommendation is what helped me get into college, years later. Despite, everything I did survive. I ended up moving to Atlanta in 1997, after getting my GED. While there I found the Gay and Lesbian Center, which had a youth day, on every Thursday. The volunteers helped me and countless other gay kids stay away from suicide, drug abuse, unsafe sex and the like. There were challenges and the gay community wasn't always supportive, in fact, due to the stigma of homosexuals "recruiting" the young, resources for gay youth were often curtailed as volunteers had to be screened. But in the end I survived, life still has it's ups and downs, and homophobia has not be eradicated to say the least. But I am stronger despite the bullshit life throws my way. It can get better, but you have to make it better, all of us have to work to make it better.
Along with the proliferation of youtube videos, there recently has been several polls and statistics coming out. One of which 2/3rds of Americans have come to the realization that the Religious groups in our country contribute to suicides. To me this is beyond obvious. Because Christianity is so irredeemably homophobic, I will not even consider ever attending a church again, under circumstances. Churches and politicians who pander to religious voters, spread lies about gays, homosexuality and marriage equality. Even Barack Obama, who describes himself as a "Fierce advocate" engages in the very same gay bashing. It's Obama's Administration which compared same-sex marriage to incest while defending the constitutionality of DOMA in Massachusetts. It's Obama's Administration which has appealed the ruling which would have nulified DADT. As insult to injury, Barack Obama only a day after appealing to defend DOMA, he gets on Youtube and TV telling us how "It gets better". In essence, a disengenous and insensitive President Obama pissed on the graves of dead gay kids and mocked those of us who've suffered. Like Lieutenant Dan Choi, I not only will NOT vote for Barack Obama, I won't vote for a single candidate who endorses Obama.
I've talked about the problems and issues, now let's talk about solutions. First of all, there needs to be anti-bullying laws in place. Second, we need to pass a comprehensive non-discrimination law which bans all discrimination based on sexual orientation, be it real or perceived. Third, we need to allow the judicial repeals of Don't Ask, Don't Tell and DOMA. We also need to use the legislatures but also the courts to legalize Marriage Equality nationwide. But this isn't enough. We need to deal directly with churches which engage in homophobic politics. For instance, we need to make it illegal for Churches, such as the Mormon Church, to engage in politics, such as Prop 8, while maintaining tax status as a church. Also, churches which psychologically abuse gay kids should be heald civilly and criminally liable. We also need to enforce the laws against practicing psychology without a liscense and shut down all ex-gay ministries. Ex-gay ministries serve as anti-gay concentration camps, many religious parents send their kids to these cult like camps, which brain wash them that with shame and Jesus they can overcome their sexual orientations. Churches should not be allowed to hide behind religious freedom and abuse children, whether it's polygamous marriages by fundamentalist Mormons, child sexual abuse by Catholic priests or ex-gay ministries used by evangelicals. To put it bluntly, to make things better in America, we need to treat sexual orientation the same way we treat race, skin color or gender, that is to say it is NOT something anyone chooses, it cannot be changed and to even try is psychologically detrimental. All these things and more need to be done, so we can make it better NOW not just say it gets better someday.
Employment Non-Discrimination Act//Call your congressman at 1-202-224-3121
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Employment_Non-Discrimination_Act
Uniting American Families Act //Call your congressman at 1-202-224-3121
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uniting_American_Families_Act
The Trevor Project (24 hour suicide hotline for gay teens)
http://www.thetrevorproject.org/
Petition to President Obama to NOT defend DOMA in court//You may also call 1-202-456-1111
http://www.change.org/petitions/view/get_rid_of_doma_it_is_unconstitutional
Petitition to President Obama to NOT defend DADT and to repeal it//you may also call 1-202-456-1111
http://www.couragecampaign.org/page/s/dontfiredan
Respect for (Equal) Marriage Act //Call your congressman at 1-202-224-3121
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Respect_for_Marriage_Act
American Foundation for Equal Rights
http://www.equalrightsfoundation.org/
Get Equal
Monday, May 31, 2010
so its early, 5:30 am. in bed suffering from the insipid flushing that is ravishing my whole body.
This weekend has been one of extremes. on friday, i went to the stitch house where they featured one of the hottest young designers of shawls and other cute, totally modern gay 20-thing-ish shawls, hats, gloves, and accessories. His patterns are one of a kind, many have duplicated, but no one has surpassed his expertise. guessed who?
it was none other than Stephen West, a young designer/dancer from bum-fuck Illinois who is in Massachusetts for Memorial Day weekend. He was not at all like I imagined him, he was actually really sweet, and even complemented me on my Men's Knitting retreat bag ( its young and hip, who doesn't like it) he was open to me asking questions too, which when one meets well known people thats the last response one would expect to recieve. In short, we talked, we knit, we drank wine (it was barefoot...uuhhhggg) and had a wonderful time. after which, albert and his friend picked me up and we went booze shopping, and to the over packed walmart for selzer and wine menagerie.
The 24hours after though, my fun weekend was turned upside down, I got a message saying my dear friends Rasaan and Stephen were jumped and beaten up badly by a couple of thugs, Rasaan was stabbed....I went into immediate panic mode and sought to tell all the gays i knew about the injustice, and it got out! i am going to see him in a few hours and bring some stuff...its gunna be hard!
Nextly, i am still working on fall season patterns to publish into a minibook to sell on Ravelry. im still working on some of the designs, i need to get my camera for my phone ready so i can take multiple pics for the book. just another summer project.
Well, better get some sleep, gunna try to see Rasaan in a couple of hours.
This weekend has been one of extremes. on friday, i went to the stitch house where they featured one of the hottest young designers of shawls and other cute, totally modern gay 20-thing-ish shawls, hats, gloves, and accessories. His patterns are one of a kind, many have duplicated, but no one has surpassed his expertise. guessed who?
it was none other than Stephen West, a young designer/dancer from bum-fuck Illinois who is in Massachusetts for Memorial Day weekend. He was not at all like I imagined him, he was actually really sweet, and even complemented me on my Men's Knitting retreat bag ( its young and hip, who doesn't like it) he was open to me asking questions too, which when one meets well known people thats the last response one would expect to recieve. In short, we talked, we knit, we drank wine (it was barefoot...uuhhhggg) and had a wonderful time. after which, albert and his friend picked me up and we went booze shopping, and to the over packed walmart for selzer and wine menagerie.
The 24hours after though, my fun weekend was turned upside down, I got a message saying my dear friends Rasaan and Stephen were jumped and beaten up badly by a couple of thugs, Rasaan was stabbed....I went into immediate panic mode and sought to tell all the gays i knew about the injustice, and it got out! i am going to see him in a few hours and bring some stuff...its gunna be hard!
Nextly, i am still working on fall season patterns to publish into a minibook to sell on Ravelry. im still working on some of the designs, i need to get my camera for my phone ready so i can take multiple pics for the book. just another summer project.
Well, better get some sleep, gunna try to see Rasaan in a couple of hours.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Red Line Crawl 2010
I'm relatively an experienced knitter/crocheter, but i have only been to a handful of knitting events and ONE yarn store. so when i heard about the RED LINE CRAWL i was intrigued. three shops, one day, and a loaded charlie card later, i was knee deep in cool stuff!
But let me tell you, it was not easy to get to it, considering i had been waiting to pick my dad up all night and didnt sleep. i was up for 33 hours before hitting the pillow. but it was a great adventure.
at 9 am my adventure began at the Stitch House in Dorchester. i had heard about the stitch house from the internet but i have never been, my friend Jamie-Lynn lived nearby and so i called her and we met for their door buster sale, i was the second person to enter the store so i got first dibs at everything from the door buster sale.
The store was beautiful and airy and full of yarns everywhere! and they even remembered my name!
i gotta tell you these people were probably insane letting such expensive and rare yarns go at such rediculous prices. i bouught some elegant Classic Elite Silky Alpaca Lace yarn in a creamy white. It was $5 a ball in 70% alpaca and 30% silk! i grabbed the only 2 balls left, and made m purchases. i also received a coupon for 20% of all cascade yarns at a 10am yarn tasting, i also got a yarn crawl gampiece, if i got all three shops to stamp my game piece i would get 15% off my next purchase, so it was great.
at 10am they had a tasting of cascade yarns. i had no idea that they created so many fabulous fibres in so many colours! i tried this new pima cotton yarn in a sportweight that was so soft and knitted like butter, i think i will get some an make a scarf!
i also bought some crazy cascade eco worsted weight yarn in a wild lime green colour! it was 20% off so i think i will make some insane hats with it like the Jayne cobb hat on ravelry in green, so now i will have to find two more green yarns... oh bother...
After the Yarn tasting, Jamie and I parted ways and I took the red line all the way to the other end to Minds Eye Yarns. on the directions it said it wasnt far from the station. but i never have seen it. so how shocked was i when i descovered that it was in fact right across the street! So i went in.
OMG, it is TINY! the entire shop is two rooms of the owners appartment. the kitchen in the back was her own! I came in and saw some wheels and fibres i have never seen before. in the middle room Bijou Basin Ranch. I fell in LOVE with thier yak fibres not only because the were soft and exotic, but they are made by real people and not by huge corporations (red heart....). imagine being able to meet the animal that you made your hat or cowl from!?
i sampled their yarns and found them to be super friendly, the only downside to it is that they are EXPENSIVE, but the yak cormo blend i like is reasonable so i will buy some for my birthday!
i ended up buying some gorgeous 100% silk roving, some black topwool and an Ashford spindle. i am excited to practice my spinning, and to give the silk fibre to my friends at Easton Mountain, hopefully they like it. at checkout, the owner gave me a packet of wool wash and some adorable mini skeins, she told me to go online and vote for my favourite! they are just too cute!
afterwards i went to lunch at my favourite chinese restaurant in Davis Square, and was relieved to find that it wasnt packed like all the other stores in the area. It was a gorgeous and tropical 70 degrees...
after lunch, i headed to my all-time favourite yarn store, Windsor Button. they were PACKED, on a decent day they would have 7-9 people in the store at any given time. but that day they had at least 3 dozen! Rowan Yarns did a tasting at this shop (at this point i noticed the trend). I wasnt interested but I sat and Knit my herbivore scarf, in this yarn that Caprifool (from ravelry) sent me from Sweeden. People ABSOLUTELY went nuts for it! the shop managers told me to let them know if they could get local dyers involved. maybe i should let him know.
anyways, after working on the scarf, i went to get my next yarn. i bought some gorgeous berrocco ultra alpaca in a beautiful blue fingering weight. and some Lions brand woolease worsted for a sweater, but im going back to use my savings for more for that sweater.I've decided that i am going to to a vest in some lovely dark grey for myself in the woolease, its one of those yarns i cant live without in my stash!
As i was waiting to use the swift, this poor lady got her yarn tangled on the spinner, we spent an entire hour untangling it. tha shop owner and her husband were busy so i agreed to help. after we got hers done, i had the same problem with my ultra alpaca!!! i think they need an industrial grade yarn spinner! but after the madness died down the shop owners wound my bohemouth skein of cascade into 3 balls. I also recieved an adorable yarn cutter!
after a long day, i retired to the stitch house which of all things had a childs birthday party going on?!?!?! i sat and knitted and talked to the knitters, every one was just as exhausted from the heat and enjoyed the AC that the shop had turned on...
after all the madness, i went to MY Thai and had a wonderful dinner. it was truly a freakin wonderful day!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Friends, family, and fuck buddies-working with comfortzones and boundaries in the community
The last two weeks I've learned a lot about comfort zones...
Sometimes a comfort zone is important; sometimes i don't give a fuck if you're comfortable... but within the last two months it was more or less learning when people are really full of shit or when they have a legitimate problem that they could be personally in danger...
so here's some examples:
Social comfort zones (anxiety and paranoia based/ enforces comfort zones)
The Queer student center had an open house in which we ordered in some bitch ass Indian food! and watched Queer as Folk on DVD. food, basically borderline soft core porn...all we need is beer and and a couple half naked twinkie bitches and i am at home. but where ever you go there will always be the whiner bitches...yes, the bitches who are universally loathed by all because their comfort zones will be challenged, and rather than suck it up and take it, they whine and threaten to sue just enough to make a good thing a loathed thing...one bad apple?!?!
any who, this dude walks in and starts with "I'm not comfortable watching this in front of you all, lets watch something else!!!"- usually people ignore this dude til he gets so uncomfortable that he leaves, but this time his arrogant discomfort (yes you read this correctly) was enough to have everyone else throw cold, curry-soaked naans at his head and a near universal moborcrasy.
another case was at a summer camp i help to plan and run, basically until last year no one really cared about clothing in public. the camp was clothing optional and no one cared. until yet another one of those whiny bitches shows up and all hell breaks loose.
now we are fighting over simple things like weather to allow people to be nude or not, frankly we are all adults, and a simple disclaimer written somewhere can easily take care of the issue, but now we are dealing with forces of adultisms and power trips that bring the whiny bitch platforms to the fore front.
then we have people who add paranoia to the already strongly disliked whiny bitch platform, basically victimizing them selves to make others listen to their problems. hence rather than dealing (getting real and severely needed psychological help) they blow the problem out of purportion until the alleged antagonizer is dismissed from the post. (in this case it was unfairly done, and a HUGE blow to the program because this person could have been a contributor)
Defining factors-
-person is unwilling to deal with majority decisions made by the group at large. for this reason they will always find something to pull the structure that is unfavourable down with them.
-they often confuse real danger with paranoia and t because of that their reasoning will be compromised
-a paranoid person will sometimes accuse others of paranoia...
-and they may try to take action against their aggressors (a wise leader will spot and remove these people)
in any case, how to deal with these people? DON'T! unless they make a stab at you, don't get involved! it is too much dealing with them and their craziness otherwise so leave them alone, they will get what's coming to them.
Personal comfort zones:
More or less sexual comfort zones: pertaining to meeting with a person for a sexual encounter.
IF A PERSON IS NOT COMFORTABLE WITH A SEXUAL SITUATION IT IS ALWAYS AN ISSUE!
Sex is intimate, and before making an encounter with a stranger, the person must ascertain if the stranger is really safe and sane.
example:
Ricky has been chatting with a guy he met on a gay mutual interest fetish site, the guy initially messaged Ricky about a post he made on a forum on bondage. they guy messaged Ricky and they started chatting, but soon their chats became mostly about sex and eventually morphed into cybersex. the guy tells Ricky that he lives a few towns over, and wants Ricky to meet up. he starts insisting on dates to meet. Ricky is a full time college student and the guy is apparently unemployed. the guy asks Ricky about dates and when Ricky responds that he has classes the man tells him to skip them... Ricky is uncomfortable with the notion but gives in to it and agrees to meet on the Wednesday of that week, they part ways for the night, but soon things start to happen. the guy begins messaging Ricky asking him if will becoming on Wednesday, this went from once daily to once an hour, and then text messages.
Ricky feels creeped out, but ignores it. on Tuesday, Ricky's professor tells them of an exam on Thursday. after class Ricky messages the guy and explains that he needs to cancel, the guy loses it and becomes enraged.
Ricky seriously considers now if this man is playing with a full deck of cards, and logs off. 2 hours later he messages Ricky and starts the process all over again, not apologizing for his behavior and acting as if nothing happened? when questioned about this sudden change in mood the man seems to be shocked and not remember his behavior
Ricky, decides he wants to meet the man, partially because of loneliness, and also to see if this man is really crazy...
Ricky makes a date then asks the guy for his address and if he would like to meet somewhere public for coffee before they meet. the guy gives him the address but refuses to meet in public.
now Ricky strongly believes tome thing isn't right. what is to be done?
after thinking about it, Ricky is now worried for his life, and his comfort zone has been breached.
he blocks the man from his phone, Internet and other contact modes.
three days later as Ricky was stunned to see the same guy was arrested for murdering another man and mutilating the body. the news programme went on to say that he lured his victims to his house buy posting ads online, and lured men and boys to his house, raped them, and murdered them for some psychotic gratification...
Ricky's comfort zone was part acquired, he took a kink 101 class at an event his school' gay straight alliance held.
His teacher laid out a five step plan for meeting people online
1) establish primary negotiations (your limits)
2) get a full face picture, name, address and telephone number leave this with a call buddy
3) arrange for the exact date, time, and amount of time your encounter should take, anything over that time and a call buddy will call the police!
4) the day of, meet in a well lit and populated PUBLIC place with the person before you go back to their place, this will allow you to decide if the person is safe
5) follow your gut, if you ain't comfortable, GET OUT OF THERE!
Ricky followed his gut, his clues were:
-the guys temper issues (possible bipolar0
-the refusal to meet in a public place (less witnesses to see him that night)
-his complete disregard for Ricky's boundaries
Ricky had the right idea to not meet with this guy, his conscience told him that this guy was trouble and he was right not to let his personal loneliness get in the way of his safety.
the similarity to these two types of boundaries lie in the ideology of justification.
Both scenarios had much to do with the persons personal safety. and both should always be taken with a grain of salt, because it is really up to you to determine (case by case) weather the situation is worth more extreme measures or if the person is full of bullshit.
i learned to judge the book with a pinch of salt and not to dismiss boundary issues because if you do it can end up too late...
Sometimes a comfort zone is important; sometimes i don't give a fuck if you're comfortable... but within the last two months it was more or less learning when people are really full of shit or when they have a legitimate problem that they could be personally in danger...
so here's some examples:
Social comfort zones (anxiety and paranoia based/ enforces comfort zones)
The Queer student center had an open house in which we ordered in some bitch ass Indian food! and watched Queer as Folk on DVD. food, basically borderline soft core porn...all we need is beer and and a couple half naked twinkie bitches and i am at home. but where ever you go there will always be the whiner bitches...yes, the bitches who are universally loathed by all because their comfort zones will be challenged, and rather than suck it up and take it, they whine and threaten to sue just enough to make a good thing a loathed thing...one bad apple?!?!
any who, this dude walks in and starts with "I'm not comfortable watching this in front of you all, lets watch something else!!!"- usually people ignore this dude til he gets so uncomfortable that he leaves, but this time his arrogant discomfort (yes you read this correctly) was enough to have everyone else throw cold, curry-soaked naans at his head and a near universal moborcrasy.
another case was at a summer camp i help to plan and run, basically until last year no one really cared about clothing in public. the camp was clothing optional and no one cared. until yet another one of those whiny bitches shows up and all hell breaks loose.
now we are fighting over simple things like weather to allow people to be nude or not, frankly we are all adults, and a simple disclaimer written somewhere can easily take care of the issue, but now we are dealing with forces of adultisms and power trips that bring the whiny bitch platforms to the fore front.
then we have people who add paranoia to the already strongly disliked whiny bitch platform, basically victimizing them selves to make others listen to their problems. hence rather than dealing (getting real and severely needed psychological help) they blow the problem out of purportion until the alleged antagonizer is dismissed from the post. (in this case it was unfairly done, and a HUGE blow to the program because this person could have been a contributor)
Defining factors-
-person is unwilling to deal with majority decisions made by the group at large. for this reason they will always find something to pull the structure that is unfavourable down with them.
-they often confuse real danger with paranoia and t because of that their reasoning will be compromised
-a paranoid person will sometimes accuse others of paranoia...
-and they may try to take action against their aggressors (a wise leader will spot and remove these people)
in any case, how to deal with these people? DON'T! unless they make a stab at you, don't get involved! it is too much dealing with them and their craziness otherwise so leave them alone, they will get what's coming to them.
Personal comfort zones:
More or less sexual comfort zones: pertaining to meeting with a person for a sexual encounter.
IF A PERSON IS NOT COMFORTABLE WITH A SEXUAL SITUATION IT IS ALWAYS AN ISSUE!
Sex is intimate, and before making an encounter with a stranger, the person must ascertain if the stranger is really safe and sane.
example:
Ricky has been chatting with a guy he met on a gay mutual interest fetish site, the guy initially messaged Ricky about a post he made on a forum on bondage. they guy messaged Ricky and they started chatting, but soon their chats became mostly about sex and eventually morphed into cybersex. the guy tells Ricky that he lives a few towns over, and wants Ricky to meet up. he starts insisting on dates to meet. Ricky is a full time college student and the guy is apparently unemployed. the guy asks Ricky about dates and when Ricky responds that he has classes the man tells him to skip them... Ricky is uncomfortable with the notion but gives in to it and agrees to meet on the Wednesday of that week, they part ways for the night, but soon things start to happen. the guy begins messaging Ricky asking him if will becoming on Wednesday, this went from once daily to once an hour, and then text messages.
Ricky feels creeped out, but ignores it. on Tuesday, Ricky's professor tells them of an exam on Thursday. after class Ricky messages the guy and explains that he needs to cancel, the guy loses it and becomes enraged.
Ricky seriously considers now if this man is playing with a full deck of cards, and logs off. 2 hours later he messages Ricky and starts the process all over again, not apologizing for his behavior and acting as if nothing happened? when questioned about this sudden change in mood the man seems to be shocked and not remember his behavior
Ricky, decides he wants to meet the man, partially because of loneliness, and also to see if this man is really crazy...
Ricky makes a date then asks the guy for his address and if he would like to meet somewhere public for coffee before they meet. the guy gives him the address but refuses to meet in public.
now Ricky strongly believes tome thing isn't right. what is to be done?
after thinking about it, Ricky is now worried for his life, and his comfort zone has been breached.
he blocks the man from his phone, Internet and other contact modes.
three days later as Ricky was stunned to see the same guy was arrested for murdering another man and mutilating the body. the news programme went on to say that he lured his victims to his house buy posting ads online, and lured men and boys to his house, raped them, and murdered them for some psychotic gratification...
Ricky's comfort zone was part acquired, he took a kink 101 class at an event his school' gay straight alliance held.
His teacher laid out a five step plan for meeting people online
1) establish primary negotiations (your limits)
2) get a full face picture, name, address and telephone number leave this with a call buddy
3) arrange for the exact date, time, and amount of time your encounter should take, anything over that time and a call buddy will call the police!
4) the day of, meet in a well lit and populated PUBLIC place with the person before you go back to their place, this will allow you to decide if the person is safe
5) follow your gut, if you ain't comfortable, GET OUT OF THERE!
Ricky followed his gut, his clues were:
-the guys temper issues (possible bipolar0
-the refusal to meet in a public place (less witnesses to see him that night)
-his complete disregard for Ricky's boundaries
Ricky had the right idea to not meet with this guy, his conscience told him that this guy was trouble and he was right not to let his personal loneliness get in the way of his safety.
the similarity to these two types of boundaries lie in the ideology of justification.
Both scenarios had much to do with the persons personal safety. and both should always be taken with a grain of salt, because it is really up to you to determine (case by case) weather the situation is worth more extreme measures or if the person is full of bullshit.
i learned to judge the book with a pinch of salt and not to dismiss boundary issues because if you do it can end up too late...
Sunday, February 7, 2010
recollections
having flashbacks to your childhood is never fun, i was recently on youtube where my former church has put up vids of their Pathfinder Club.
for you non- adventists the pathfinder club is an organization mirroring boy/girl scouts with a strict and clear religious message. pathfinders are taught dicipline, personal care, arts and crafts, religion, community involvement, and social skills. it is for children 10-16, and is pretty much unparalleled. catholics have CCD, but the Seventh-Day Adventist pathfinders take it to a whole new level.
The truth is, I loved Pathfinders. Like soccer parents, my family was entrenched in it. My Uncle and Aunt (a husband and wife team) were both club directors, my mother and aunt were club directors and counselors. and everyone was trained as a Master Guide (the equivalent of an Eagle Scout) but for my brother and i it turned from heaven to hell.
I was teased horribly, people made fun of me for my weight, and the fact i was gay. they practically slaughtered my brother because he was antisocial.
I remember one of the dividing facts that cemented my leaving the church, was the fact that the club was highly unfair in the area of Gender, which made playing to my strengths difficult. for the longest time te only activities available at camps were as follows:
Arts and crafts
basketball
volleyball
pinewood derby
fancy drill and drum corps
foe boys, the only competition available were basketball and drumcorps. I HATE basketball, so being a musician i decided to try drum corps. peoples didnt want me on drums, and made it difficult for me to join. finally they kicked me off. not content, i stopped going to club meetings, and found mself leaving the church.
i was a scared youth who came from an ultra religious family, and now i am both gay and i cant attend church. looking for answers led me to SDA Kinship http://www.sdakinship.net/sdakinship/
it was the only genuine safe space, for one, because the devils were in the walls. sites i thought were gay friendly were actually run as guilt trips for possibly self destructive people.
the sad thing is, i miss the comraderie offered by church, but i cant see myself going to church ever again as a gay man.
for you non- adventists the pathfinder club is an organization mirroring boy/girl scouts with a strict and clear religious message. pathfinders are taught dicipline, personal care, arts and crafts, religion, community involvement, and social skills. it is for children 10-16, and is pretty much unparalleled. catholics have CCD, but the Seventh-Day Adventist pathfinders take it to a whole new level.
The truth is, I loved Pathfinders. Like soccer parents, my family was entrenched in it. My Uncle and Aunt (a husband and wife team) were both club directors, my mother and aunt were club directors and counselors. and everyone was trained as a Master Guide (the equivalent of an Eagle Scout) but for my brother and i it turned from heaven to hell.
I was teased horribly, people made fun of me for my weight, and the fact i was gay. they practically slaughtered my brother because he was antisocial.
I remember one of the dividing facts that cemented my leaving the church, was the fact that the club was highly unfair in the area of Gender, which made playing to my strengths difficult. for the longest time te only activities available at camps were as follows:
Arts and crafts
basketball
volleyball
pinewood derby
fancy drill and drum corps
foe boys, the only competition available were basketball and drumcorps. I HATE basketball, so being a musician i decided to try drum corps. peoples didnt want me on drums, and made it difficult for me to join. finally they kicked me off. not content, i stopped going to club meetings, and found mself leaving the church.
i was a scared youth who came from an ultra religious family, and now i am both gay and i cant attend church. looking for answers led me to SDA Kinship http://www.sdakinship.net/sdakinship/
it was the only genuine safe space, for one, because the devils were in the walls. sites i thought were gay friendly were actually run as guilt trips for possibly self destructive people.
the sad thing is, i miss the comraderie offered by church, but i cant see myself going to church ever again as a gay man.
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